Well … that was pointless.
A lunch-bag let-down of epic political proportions. A who-cares moment in a campaign that’s already about 15 months too long.
I am a political junkie. I drink the stuff in. Read a colossal amount of news. I even wake up early to check polls. I dig it. I get off on it.
But this election is different. It’s the ultimate example of settling. Settling for the least of the worst.
One candidate is an entitled crook with a track record of corruption, lies and probably still bitter about her husband’s blowj*bs and the fact that she lost to that ‘nobody’ Obama a little over eight years ago. The other is a narcissistic psychopath with a pea for a brain. A playground bully with a rich dad and probably a really nice pool. Donald Trump is that asshole guy from the Karate Kid – an eighties teen douchebag.
But enough of that, let’s get back to the debate.
Here’s what we learned after an interminable 90 minutes watching Hillary and Donald bicker like two old white people in Naples complaining about the help. If you watched last night, and if you have ever been to Florida, you’ll know I’m not that far off.
Keep in mind, I’m known to drift off and lose focus. It’s what kept me out of medical school and landed me in TV. But here are my observations:
- Elections make me hate Twitter. It lets morons speak out loud and pretend to be relevant. Megan McCain and Clay Aiken were live tweeting the debate. Why? Why the f*ck is Clay Aiken relevant to anything anymore? Didn’t Reuben die? I forget. Again, not really sure I care.
- Okay, I’ll be the double standard guy. Is Hillary Clinton exclusively outfitted by Mugatu from Zoolander? Feel free to comment about what a sexist ass I am at the bottom.
- The debate is taking place at Hofstra. Hofstra reminds me of Bill Cosby. I find this location creepy. Bill Clinton must like it. I bet he giggled an evil giggle when they said Hosftra.
- Donald Trump has turkey neck.
- Hillary’s dad made drapes. I can now relate to HRC. She’s simple folk like us all.
- While Trump can’t stop moving his hands, Hillary can maintain the same condescending robotic stare that reminds me of my old high school secretary when I’d fake a sick note.
- Donald Trump is able to last exactly 14 minutes before losing his shit. That’s when the cold meds wear off apparently.
- Just about everyone from Ontario groaned when Hillary said there’s a goldmine in solar power.
- This debate is almost exactly as long as two episodes of Stranger Things.
- Clay Aiken’s annoying Twitter feed makes me like Kelly Ripa even more.
- Lester Holt would make for a great couple’s therapist.
- CNN’s time zone clock has me fixated on which zone changes first. I try to focus on this when Clinton rambles on about how the wealthy really do want to pay more taxes and do more for the middle class. They don’t. Rich people are rich because they don’t give away their money.
- Bob Rae is tweeting now. Good for him. If you look at track records, Clay Aiken technically has more credibility and political success. Compared to Bob Rae, I actually like Clay a bit better now.
- Neither of these two would look normal in a black church, let’s be honest.
- How goddamned long has Donald Trump been waiting on just the right moment to use the term 400-pound hacker sitting on their bed? That line was pure gold.
- The clock is rigged. Eastern Standard always changes first. I wonder if this annoys people on the west coast? I bet it does. Focus, Todd. Focus.
- If you look close enough, you can see where Elon Musk rebuilt Hillary into an almost near perfect human replica.
- And the word of the night is braggadacious. I’m smart so I’m not looking it up. It’s some sort of fungus girls get from a wet bathing suit.
- Trump ends by saying that Clinton lacks stamina. He says it over and over again. HRC’s website will fact-check this I’m sure. It’s Bill who lacks stamina these days, not Hillary. Not sure they’ll publish that one?
- Clinton ends with a startling revelation that Trump was not nice to a Mexican woman who was chubby and flat-chested. Hillary is just like all of us. She’s nice to the staff too.
So there you have it. Or at least that’s how I saw it. A pointless 90 minutes of two people pissing on each other and the rest of us watching, waiting for something and getting dumber.
Every event needs a winner – at least that’s what CNN will tell you. And if there was a winner last night, it was Clinton.
But before the social justice warriors cheer, before we all rush out and by pantsuits and before you get that shovel ready to finally bury Trump in a shallow grave, keep in mind that Mitt Romney beat the shit out of Obama in the debates. John Kerry mopped the floor with George W. Bush.
Debates don’t matter.
Debates are pointless.
They are fodder for the media and material for everyone else in the social media world to try and be relevant and witty. In fact, I bet everyone who tuned in is still voting for the person they were cheering for, even if they did use awesome words like braggadacious and stamina or shimmy like a spoiled little girl who just learned her teen nemesis is pregnant.
Elections are won and lost on the ground, not on TV. Even if CNN had a room full of 20 undecided people from a trailer park in Florida chiming in on how the night went, it doesn’t impact the numbers. Ever been to Florida? Florida should never be able to decide the fate of the free world anyhow.
If there was a loser last night, it was every 400-pound hacker out there. Those guys have feelings. They hurt inside too. #FatLives Matter. This debate didn’t.