Jody Vance

Mother’s Day – by Jody Vance

Getty Images: Cora Niele

May is for Mother’s day. Happy for so many, tough for so many.

Some of us are lucky enough to celebrate Mother’s Day today — my thoughts are with those who crave this gift and can’t conceive.

This is not like Valentines Day with a broken heart, or Christmas during a divorce – this is harder.  (I speak from experience.)  I’ve done Mother’s Day after a miscarriage and have lived through it during fertility treatment, luckily I’ve also been through one while nervously navigating the first trimester of pregnancy.

This can be an incredibly sad time for those who are knee-deep in the struggle.  It’s a feeling that cannot be realized without having survived it.

Motherhood, becoming a mother, seems so simple to the masses —  “an accident”, “unplanned”, “an oops baby” or a “we were ready and it happened”.

Right now there are thousands and thousands of women struggling to conceive — crying tears of soulful failure — on Mother’s day.

I feel you.

I’ve been you.

Today I send this out to the universe because I want, even one, hopeful Mom to know that you are not alone.

One big moment in my journey to parenthood was when a very wise physician said to me: “It’s a miracle, you can literally do everything right and still not be successful in conception and carrying to term.”  It was devastating — poignant and heady.  In hind site, it was a comfort along the way.  Yes, we can use modern medicine to assist us in our desire to parent our biological child, but being a Mom isn’t about biology.  It’s about love.

Do not hate your body for failing you. (I did, and wish I hadn’t)  Do not feel a failure for infertility, it’s not your fault.

If your friend, or loved one, is going through this — talk with them about it. Bring it up.  Share.  The isolation of “not wanting to hurt their feelings” is the journey’s very worst part, believe it or not.

Food for thought on this day to celebrate a special level of love.



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  • Reply Shari Whittaker May 14, 2017 at 10:51 am

    Thank you for your wonderful insight Jody. You a such a great writer. I lost a baby at 5 months pregnant back in the late 60’s. That lead to a broken marriage and now I am happily married but have never had children of my own. I am now 74 and this day always reminds me of that. You are right, there are many that dread this day more than any other in the year. Life goes on and much happiness can come from nieces and nephews and other interests such as traveling and photography. My two furry kids gave me my favorite Purdy chocolates this morning and that made me smile. I will always have a thought of what I missed out on on this day but for those having a tough time right now saying things will get better does not register. You are so right. Unless one has been through it one cannot know the pain. Thank you again for sharing.

  • Reply everett raeburn May 15, 2017 at 4:26 pm

    A few years ago, a friend replied to my facebook post on mother’s day. she stated that not everyone has a great mother and that i should realize this fact. So now on mother’s day i comment about all of us whom are lucky enough to have a good mom. Your story and that of others whom are trying to concieve or adopt makes me sad when i realize that, how many great mothers are never even given the shot at it.
    For what it is worth, my mom did a very good job at it and still does to this day. Our kitchen table was the “my backyard” of my grade at lord byng high school. We took in troubled kids, angry ones and even some that, at our table, had the courage to come out.
    Being a mom is a crazy gig and to all that take it on, savour the chance. Alot of potentially great moms will never get to be one. Cruel and sad indeed.

    • Reply Jody Vance May 16, 2017 at 9:03 pm

      Thank you for sharing. Cheers to your mom.

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