Charlotte Phillips, Guest Contributor

Sunday Satire – by Charlotte Phillips

Because You Watched……

Because we’ve been watching you watch us, we’ve come up with some “suggestions” to help you through this phase in your life. You’re not alone. Remember that. Even if you are technically alone on a Friday night with a half empty bottle of pinot noir leftover from lunch and nothing but a frozen veggie burger to gnaw on for dinner, we are here.

We at Netfriend are just a wireless connection away from your MacBook over there on the coffee table. We’re taking note of every movie you watch and other activities you’ve engaged in online, virtually 24/7. We’ve been analyzing your algorithms since you signed up 3 years ago for $7.95 a month. Back when what’s-his-name was still sleeping on the couch across from you snoring through that romantic comedy you fought over; the one you settled on because it was your turn to pick something and you were sick of Saving Private Ryan and The Hurt Locker and even though you thought Ben Affleck was kind of handsome in Argo, you really had had enough of the foreign wars thing.

And because we care about you, Stacey, we have taken note of the choices you have made, the Google searches you’ve done, all the online shopping you’ve accomplished through those tears of regret, those feelings of inferiority, those thoughts heavy with rejection and abandonment, and we’ve lined up a dozen or so films you can gorge on all weekend; lined up in cute little rows of movie and TV posters, all one after the other. So Simple.

So let’s get started. Now, because you used “All Recipes” for that guacamole dip you brought to the neighbourhood block party last summer, the one you found out about through Evite, may we suggest you watch: Chef. It’s a lovely, uplifting romp through the kitchen of life. Plus Scarlett Johansen is in it – as a favour to her pal Jon Favreau – and we know you clicked through a photo montage of Scarlett’s Red Carpet Looks recently, so obviously you like her.

Because in one of your lonelier moments last January you checked out EHarmony, may we suggest you watch Something’s Gotta Give. It’s about finding love in mid-life, when the prospects are grim and you’ll have to accept that Mr. Right may not be The Sexiest Man Alive but more of a basket case in a hospital gown. There’s also any movie with Diane Lane in it. She can remind us how being happy and alone in mid- life is possible, especially if you are gorgeous and write for a travel magazine.

If a movie isn’t in the cards, perhaps a TV series is more appropriate. We noted that you voted Republican last time, so why not binge-watch House of Cards? We also saw that you checked WebMed last month when your heart was pounding in the middle of the night and you wondered if you were having a heart attack. In light of that, may we suggest The Walking Dead?

Now that you have de-friended your sister on FaceBook, and because you haven’t accepted your aunt’s request from 6 months ago, perhaps you might enjoy August: Osage County. It’s a stunning example of family rifts, communication breakdown,

prescription drug abuse and skeletons in the closet. It ends rather sadly with Julia Roberts just getting the hell out of Dodge, but you could follow it up with Eat, Pray, Love and see Julia find the love of her life at the end of a year of fun travel.

We noted you recently checked the Yelp Reviews on your current investment advisor and we wanted to suggest you watch The Wolf of Wall Street. You will feel a lot better about your financial guy and besides, you don’t really have that much money invested that you should worry so much. You might need to get a better job, though.

To that end, may we suggest, you don’t watch The Pursuit of Happyness. That’s fallout from a marriage break-up on steroids. By the way, Will Smith was fantastic in that role, considering he is a Bajillionaire playing a homeless guy. That’s acting!

Because you watched your weight this past year, posting your weekly weigh-in online, we suggest you watch Bridget Jones’ Diary, the original one. It really is charming and that Renee Zellweger, despite her recent transformation in the tabloids, went all out for that character and made Bridget quite believable. Plus, she got that dashing Colin Firth guy in the end. He loved her regardless of her granny- panties, etc.

Stacey….because you watched so many, many romantic chick-flicks in the last year of your discontent, we’d like to also suggest you branch out a little and take some risks. Watch that new Zach Braff film, Wish I was Here. It is, contrary to some reviews, really touching and well done. At least I thought so. Stacey….I think I could suggest other great films and TV shows to watch. Why don’t you call me. Just so you know, I’ve never wanted to watch Apocalypse Now.

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